Today I arrived home about 9:30, after to have had my mind sleepy the previous twelve hours in the place to which belonged to others, those that pay to me by ideas that were put in my head by the professors to whom I occasionally paid attention at the university.
I opened the door of my apartment with some difficulty, since between my hands I had the birthday pie that would make me remember that from today I am thirty, that is to say, that my goal of being happy for being twenty, it had not gotten to be a reality.
I had dreams, you know? , but what kind of girl does not? No, that is not the right question. The question is: What kind of girl believes in them?
I kicked the door behind me to close it and put the pie on the dinning room table where it was still the half cup of coffee of the breakfast I had this morning, as usual … all alone. I threw my purse and my shoes on the armchair; I walked barefoot towards the music player that was on, an old trick that I learned from my father, a way to make believe the thieves that I am at home and not outside protecting to me from them. Although today, the presence of a heartless one would not be absolutely inopportune. I have invited to so many voluntarily… that I have stopped counting them.
I laughed for myself for a second, imagining the face that would put the thief when I invited him to sit down in my table to share the chocolate pie, that by the way, is my favorite.
– Come In – I would say to Him.
Perhaps I would also blink attractively extending the chair to him where he could be comfortable.
Sometimes I know how to flirt, especially when it’s Saturday night and I have drunk more than three beers.
– The ring and the money are in closet, – I would add – where also lie some treasures accumulated from my childhood.
Yes, watching the face of the thief, it would be really funny.
I put in the stereo my favorite album of Van the man – because Morrison writes as if he knew me – and headed toward the kitchen.
Today I ate more than fifteen cigarettes, and although they produce an extraordinary pleasure to me, they do not manage to calm the protests of an empty stomach.
I opened the fridge; there were not more than two slices of ham that by their aspect did not seem very appetizing or healthful. I sighed; I unplugged it and closed it so angry. I have to remember to visit the supermarket next morning.
Good, I had a pie at least.
With certain misgivings I watched the little red light that blinked next to the telephone, announcing that somebody had been bothered in calling and leaving a message. I pushed the button of play without much illusion, the unique voice that I wanted to hear, surely it would not be there.
The first two messages were from an amiable employee of a store, remembering to me that I had forgotten to pay the invoice.
The third one was from my mother, apologizing for not to be with me in this so important day, it remembered to me that in spite of my madness, she even loved me.
My brothers also called, they explained to me that when one has a family, it is difficult to make visits between week.
My birthday would have to wait to be celebrated until Saturday.
Nobody would visit me today, because anybody likes to visit the sad ones, because the sadness stains – as much or more than oil – and I sweat sadness.
Depressed and painful, I turned on the computer, the unique window that connects me with the world and it makes me forget, in short whiles, that I am completely alone.
While it turned on, I reviewed the letters that Maria left in the small table of the entrance. The bills are accumulated, water, light air, everything that because of being alive, it would have to be free. I studied one by one, I let myself fooled by hidden among them it would be a love letter… nothing occurred…
When the computer finally turned on I got ready to review my Email and, there was no a single message that excited to me too much. An online casino offered me to become a millionaire, I did not play. I have never been lucky to earn more money than I can handle.
The next message was a desperate plea from a girl who I did not know – or remember – asking me to vote in a poll to choose the sexiest man on the planet Hollywood. I clicked the Link that she sent me and magically appeared on the screen, seven faces that I did not recognize. This is not absolutely strange, if it is taken into account that I am not fond of films.
I have memorized the name of that one by who I had to vote for: Robert Pattinson, apparently, the new teenager infatuation anywhere in the world.
I paused to observe the photography a long short while. Certainly the kid was cute. But what truly caught my attention; it was his child smile inside his face of man.
I opened a new window and I searched his name in Google, immediately appeared millions of interviews. I read many of them and I saw so many others in you tube. I was simply fascinated, the boy besides of being cute, was intelligent! – A limited virtue- Also I knew that he is English, that he was born in 1986, in aim… It is truly incredible everything what it is possible to find out about a being, in Google.
The sound of the phone interrupted me, I rose from my chair and I prepared to answer it, I knew that it was “him.” – Happy birthday – he whispered, as I lifted the handset. I supposed that “she” was slept and he did not want to wake her up.
– I am here.
– Happy birthday – He repeated.
– It´s more than one in the morning, It’s no longer my birthday.
I’m sorry – He whispered – I will compensate you tomorrow.
– You do not worry. – I sighed again.
– I call you in the morning He whispered – A kiss.
He cut the communication.
I remained thinking more than a minute with the headset in the ear, until a beep startled me.
I walk towards the computer I shut it down pushing the button, I was not in a hurry, but I either did not want to wait.
I looked for a pair of candles and I put them on the pie I lit them and I sang to myself “Happy birthday to you”. I did not blew out them, I remained there hoping that they were consumed, in all that time, I did not find any desire to ask… The call moved away the appetite, so I decided that it was time to lie down.
I turned on the bedroom’s television, because to sleep without voices, is worse than to sleep without pillows. Absent was the sleep, also the desire of an orgasm, although it is the best sleeping pill that it is possible to be imagined.
I remained, crying still, how long I have been noticing that this would happen?, I do not know it. Perhaps from the beginning, when I decided to love a man sick of love almost by inheritance.
I prayed for some sleep, because sleeping is paradise, is the complete disconnection, the drill. But sleeping eludes me, it stays away from me as a man from the plague, as that son of Adam, who breaks me every day in a thousand different ways.
Where did my hopes go?, my goals and illusions?, where did the friends go, the happiness, the joy, the ability to construct myself, to destroy and to rise myself. At least before, when I cried I knew myself as a person… How to take care of the heart piece that I had left?, How to protect it from the imminent, sure and complete devastation?
Loving, my mother would say.
But to whom?, there is not no a single man in this world that does not makes me feel nauseous, and there is no one who is willing to stay either. There are some who say to me that I am pretty, but I am not able to believe it. I have that doll face that at first pleases everyone who stops to look at me, until they realize that nothing in me is enough to hold them.
I laughed a little while between teeth, there was a name that drilled my head, and it was a safe port, because he did not know me, because he did not know that I am broken, because he was sufficiently far… properly far.
– And why no? – I asked myself.
I could build myself hopes up and to love him from a distance, I could write a thousand letters to him that he would not answer; I could compile leftovers from me and reconstruct myself. I stopped blowing my nose in the pillow and dried my tears with the sheets.
– I will let love to be done in me, little by little, – I said to myself.
From today I will love the one everybody loves, like a Christ the Redeemer of flesh and blood. Today I will confess myself as a crazy person, in love with an impossible one, but that will never dare destroying myself…
… And thus I fell in love with the boy of the wide smile, eyes as stars of depth without spot. My personal miracle, my illusion, my rescuer with own name: Robert Pattinson…